Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
