Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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