threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We need a shit load of segways right now
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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