Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
