just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
