it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
