I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
