have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
