you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
