Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Randomize
