Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize