You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
