yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
