I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
3 2 1 whiskey
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
