I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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