How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
