Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
