Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
