Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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