This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
This gyro tastes like lonliness
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
