Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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