your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
