Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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