haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
