we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
