The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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