sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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