Got a toothbrush?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
