I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
