I'm going to jail i love you
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
