I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
