all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
They took my balls.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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