Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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