Who wears a wallet chain?!
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
tell me about the fingering
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