woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
