yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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