i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
