omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
