And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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