My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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