im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
