remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I am spending my child support on dildos
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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