Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
This toilet bowl is my home.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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