Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
