Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
