Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
