Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
