In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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