im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize