You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
