Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
