He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
