who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
